Smooth, Real Smooth
by Kipling Bunny
Summary: Diana's a stalker and Bruce likes to perform laser hair removal. Yes, you read that correctly.


Wow! Long hiatus, I know! And I sincerely apologize. Thank you to all those who have read my silly little ficlets, I truly appreciate it. :)

Thanks to Geeky, uber beta and superfriend(ha! didyouseewhatididthere?). She gave me this idea and I ran with it! (I hope it goes over well lol). And also an honorable mention to Hepburn and Wigmus Lister for never giving up hope. :P Lol

Again! Nothing is mine!

* * *

Diana knew what a 'stalker' was; to follow and observe a person persistently, especially obsessively.

She was all too familiar with how some men reacted to her (literally 75% of the male population on Earth, to be concise. Case studies and anonymous polls had been done with significant results), and on a handful of occasions she had received creepy love notes or odd marriage proposals from random individuals. Mostly left for her at the Metro Tower or wherever else she could be reached that wasn't orbiting the Earth.

But she shrugged it off, knowing that 'weirdos' didn't stand a chance if she needed to take care of herself. If any one of her crazy fans made a move that she deemed threatening, Diana could implement a single heel-palm strike that would enable the individual to enjoy meals through a straw. For life.

Again, she was well-versed in stalking. So it came as no surprise that she suddenly felt guilty of it herself.

Diana was no stalker, but she knew way too much about a certain individual and she could hardly help herself from continuing to learn and know more.

She blamed it on natural curiosity. Though it seemed funny to her that her 'natural curiosity' blatantly revolved around a single person.

But it had to be noted that Batman had an unnaturally smooth face for the last three days! No slight stubble or 5 o'clock shadow. She had been around him for a couple of years now, and she knew his shaving regimen like the back of her hand (not in a creepy way, mind you). And it seemed off putting that he was somehow visibly smoother than ever before.

Or perhaps it was her just her imagination.

So Diana crept out of her comfort zone and shared such thoughts with another being. Another being that could possibly share her 'natural curiousity'. Shayera Hol, of course.

(Though being perfectly honest here, Diana knew that if Shayera also happened to share the same 'curiousity', jealousy might just rear its ugly head. Maybe... no promises)

Undoubtedly Shayera blinked. "Um, what?"

Diana might've just crossed the line. "His... face? Doesn't it seem smoother? I wonder if he's changed shaving instruments."

"I couldn't tell ya, to be honest." Shayera raised a brow. "Um, why does it matter?"

"It doesn't, I just found it noteworthy."

Shayera laughed really loud. Probably at the word 'noteworthy'. "Yeah I don't think I've studied a man's face like that. Honey, if I were you and I was thinking about him that much, I would just..."

She paused, realizing exactly who she was talking to. The 'Princess'. "Hm, never mind."

Diana was about the insist she finish what she was going to say, but Shayera was surprisingly fast.

Still, she shrugged it off and walked to the turbo-lift. After pressing the 'down' button, the door swished open, revealing the object of her... curiosity.

Diana took a deep, yet shallow breath and walked in. She nodded toward Batman and he offered a quiet, 'Princess'.

Only a second had flown by, yet Diana had already managed to steal a glance. The infamous lantern jaw that was uncovered by the cowl seemed to be practically glowing. And ever so hairless. It looked so smooth. So touchable.

Her fists curled up at her side, as if she couldn't trust herself from doing something irrational.

"Laser hair removal, if you must know."

Diana's eyes widened, and she stared at him. "Oh! I ... how did you ..."

"I'm a detective," though he always managed to make it sound highly sarcastic. Maybe she was that easy to read.

"So does it work on any hair?" Now she was far too interested. "I mean, what does it entail?"

"Well, it's in the cave. If you must know. And Alfred is a jack of all trades." He made an obvious glance at her legs. "Feel free to stop by if you need to."

With that, the door opened to the appropriate level and he walked out, leaving Diana to wonder what had just happened.

No more than a minute later, Diana was walking out of the turbo-lift. Her face etched with what almost felt like concern.

"Hey Di! Sup!" Flash was suddenly standing in front of her, smilingly gleefully.

"Do I have hairy legs?"

* * *

Diana wasn't going to wait a long. She had been (somewhat) invited to the mansion, and the cave, nonetheless. Sure it was for a personal consultation with Alfred. But still...

That evening, she threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and beamed herself to the cave.

The dark, cold expanse greeted her. And nothing else.

She had calculated that it was close to 5pm on the Eastern Seaboard. Too early for patrol.

Diana marched herself up the long staircase and entered the manor. It was warm and inviting, such the contrast when compared to the underbelly of the house.

Usually after a minute or so, Alfred would appear and gush over how he loved seeing her. As she 'warmed the manor' with her presence.

But alas, it was Alfred-less thus far.

Diana walked through the dining room and turned the corner into the kitchen. Bruce was standing there, eating a sandwich.

"Hi!" His mouth was still full and it made her laugh. He swallowed. "Sandwich?"

"Um... you don't seemed at all surprised to see me here. Am I really that predictable?"

Bruce laughed, and it sounded absolutely beautiful. He was still quite the mystery to her, but she was enjoying unraveling his many layers.

"Is Alfred going to laser my legs?" Diana asked pointedly.

"Alfred is actually out for the evening," Bruce then gestured to his pastrami on rye. "But I can."

Now it was her turn to laugh. "You? Really?"

"You do realize who you're talking to..."

"Ego, thy name is Bruce."

Bruce simply smirked.

A few minutes later, Diana found herself on a cold examining table while Bruce turned on his 'laser-removal' instruments.

She propped up her legs and waited quietly. "Is this safe?"

"Of course."

Bruce glanced down at her legs and rubbed his hand gently over her left calf. Diana tried suppressing shivers, to no avail.

"Hm, you're not exactly hairy, Diana."

"But, you... insinuated!"

"I recall nothing of the sort."

Diana narrowed her eyes. "But you ..."

"Maybe I just like looking at your legs. I mean, you seem to like my face..."

Diana could hardly help the blush that crept over her features. "Well, that's because... it's the only thing not covered by a suit."

"Are you saying that you would like other parts of my body if I uncovered them?" After that he grinned deviously while Diana looked away somewhat irritated by how he was messing with her.

Diana turned her head back and found that Bruce's face was quite literally an inch from hers. She took in a breath.

"Hm... I think you're somewhat of a marvel. If women knew you had no unwanted body hair, they'd have yet another reason to hate you."

"Hate me? Why would they?"

Bruce laughed. "Do you need me to spell it out for you? You're probably the most beautiful creature walking the face of the planet (Bruce ignored Diana's protests, because she absolutely hated hearing how aesthetically pleasing she was. She believed that inner beauty mattered... of course) and you turn every man into mush when you're around them."

Diana crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Maybe all but one..." She couldn't help it, it had to be said.

Bruce paused momentarily and moved closer to her. "Are you sure?"

"You smell like pastrami..."

Bruce leaned in closer, and Diana was only willing to close the distance between them.

"Master Bruce, I managed to return with... Oh!" Judging my the trajectory of the voice, Bruce's faithful and trusting surrogate father was standing on the landing above the staircase.

"Oh hello Alfred, Diana was about to try out my 'laser hair removal experiment."

"Experiment?" Diana echoed.

"And she needed help with her bikini line..." Bruce then somehow miraculously dodged the fist that came at him.

Bruce laughed, and it was too much from Diana to stay angry.

Alfred played oblivious. "Shall I add an extra plate to the dinner table?"

"If Diana wants to-"

"Yes, Alfred, thank you!"

With that, Alfred smiled and left, leaving them alone once again.

"So was that a no to the bikini line?"


End file.
